A moment in my arms, forever in my heart.

Although this blog is about my life in general and my son Bob is mentioned and always a part of it. I would like to share with you now in more detail my little prince, my shining star in heavens sky, Bob.

On the 17th of December 2006, our beautiful little boy Bob was born. Tears rolled down my face and those of my husband, as we held our precious son. Sadly they where not tears of joy, but the cries of the broken hearted, as Bob never opened his eyes to see the absolute love that was wrapped around him. Robert Vesma, our Baby Bob, was born sleeping (stillborn).

My pregnancy had been “normal” and trouble free. The previous months around that time had been a bit stressful as I had been living separately from my husband due to the fact that my father has been diagnosed with cancer and wanted to be close to help and be a support. That had all passed and we were all together again. As a family we where looking forward to moving into our new home in the New Year. At the time we where living in a rented cottage, not ideal but after being apart for so long, it was just lovely to be together. My dad was recovering well and soon our family would have a new addition soon. Dan, Corbu (our son, 2 years and a bit at the time) and I were happy; life seemed to be going well.

Then late one afternoon something in me knew something wasn’t right. I knew Bob had less space now to move, but movement had seemed unusually still over the last few hours. I decided to go and have a bath. Bob always loved bath time and would always wake up and kick like mad while I soaked in the tub. Corbu was with me, playing over the side in the water as he usually did, but this time he was the only one. Bob remained quite. My husband came home, to find me in floods of tears, something is wrong with Bob I told him, he’s not kicking.

In a matter of moments we were on the way to the small local hospital. We were seen by the on call doctor, after 15 minutes of being unable to find a heartbeat, she called in a colleague, who was also unable to find it. The doctor referred us to another hospital, so we could have a scan. I remember her saying not to worry, that sometimes a Doppler can make mistakes. On the way to Gloucestershire Royal I managed to phone my sister and tell her what was happening. I hoped, I prayed for the best but deep down I knew our little one was gone.

Within the hour, the consultant confirmed what we already knew. Our precious little Bob has passed away.

The next few days are a blur. I remember lying in bed while I waited for the pill they gave me to work and to go into hospital to give birth. I just lay there curled up, numb. While we were in hospital, we had one midwife; she looked after us from the beginning to the end. I will forever be grateful to her, she treated us with such kindness and when Bob was born, dealt with our son with such dignity and respect.

I held my son. I cried. I treasured up every moment. A lifetime of memories in the few hours we were together. My husband took photos and together we bathed and dressed Bob. It was the most heartbreaking and touching time of my life.

I don’t know how I managed to get through it all but I know that when I looked at my husband. His eyes where filled with such love and raw honesty, that it gave me courage.
We said good-bye and then the long journey of learning to live life without Bob began.
Bob is always with us, he might not be here to hold and kiss, but his mark is stamped in every step I take in life. A little life not a little loss and I am a better person for having known my son.

I will always love you, my precious little Bob. X

A day that should be but isn't.....

I don' t think this is going to be a very long blog today but I could not let this day pass without writing something.

As I dropped of my oldest at his first day back at school today, I walked passed our village playgroup. My heart sunk, I felt a bolt of ache and sadness. My little boy Bob if he was still here with us, he should have been starting playgroup today. A day that should be but isn't.....

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Bob but there are still times, places and events that can hit you and leave you breathless, the ache, the missing just amplified so much you physically hurt.

Today was one of those days.

I knew it was coming and yet it still surprised me. I know there are more coming but I have no doubt that knowing that they are there, that they are coming will not take the sting out when the day does arrive.

Bob, darling, I miss you so very much and I will spend a lifetime missing you, loving you, always. xxx