Think back to when you where a child, even a teenager. Do you remember what you wanted to be/do when you grew up??
I am not talking about the silly things you wanted to do and changed your mind by the end of the day when you saw something better. I mean your first real ambition, that first dream, when you felt you could be anything and it was all still possible.
When I was little I remember how when most little girls played tea part with there stuffed toys, I had mine lines up ready to go to court. Trials and tales of trickery and misdeeds that only I could solve.I was the worlds best lawyer/detective, the Perry Mason of my world. To be honest I don't think I ever truly wanted to study law but I think it was where my true dream revealed itself. I could spin a good tale. I had imagination and by the time I was nine years old I had my heart set on being a writer.
My mind and heart never wavered from that ambition. While in most classes I made little or no effort, in English I excelled. Although grammer was (still is) the thorn in my side. I read and read and read. I would delve into books from all genres, authors and time periods. How would one know what type of writer one hoped to be or what clicked with you if you did not have a good background into all the different types of books out there. My friends would be reading Sweet Valley High and I would too but along with Mark Twain, Dickens etc.
Then when I was in my teens I had the fortune or misfortune depending on how you look at it on meeting a young man who shared my passion. We swapped books and discussed our likes and dislikes, shared our poetry and short stories. Till this moment in time I always thought I had talent, our styles where poles a part but I had my own special spark. It was stamped out.
Sadly being constantly that your friend is brilliant and not so much as a word about you can get very discouraging. This although at times hard to bare I could deal with. It was when my own family told me that my work was sort of good (sort of, hurt more than if they just told me that it stunk) but your not as good as......now he has talent.....
My heart broke. My pen fell to the floor never to be picked up again.
I have tried, the blank page just stares at me and any ideas that do pop in my head I squelch as not being any good. I still feel after all these years that the pen doesn't belong in my hand and I am too scared to find out if it is true.
Perhaps the memory of a dream lost is better than actually finding out it was never going to come true anyway.
When I grow up, I want to be........
Well I am only 30. I still have time to find out.
Tuesday 28 July 2009
Sunday 19 July 2009
Sports Day
As Corbu 's first year at school came to a end, sport day loomed in the wings. I say loomed because my son is competitive, a perfectionist and is rather hard on himself if he doesn't win or do very well.
I was worried that the day would be fraught with tears and disappointment. As Corbu stood at the starting line for his first race, I crossed my fingers that he would do well and that it would just end in smiles. It was just a straight forward running race, easy...... he came in near the back of the pack.
Corbu smiled and gave the friends who had won a pat on the back and happily jumped back to his chair, ready to wait for his his next race. I was so shocked and ever so proud. He did win one race that day but for me I am most proud of the way he beahaved that day. Corbu had fun and smiled all the way thorough, it made my heart swell and I grinned like the silly proud mum I was.
The Quoit Race
This is the race corbu came first in, and look no hands, a clear winner and no cheating!!
The Sack Race
At least he actually jumped in his sack. Last year he ran in it.
The Running Race
Corbu
Happy after a nice sports day. I can hardly believe he has finished Reception and will be on Year 1 in September. Where does the time go??
I was worried that the day would be fraught with tears and disappointment. As Corbu stood at the starting line for his first race, I crossed my fingers that he would do well and that it would just end in smiles. It was just a straight forward running race, easy...... he came in near the back of the pack.
Corbu smiled and gave the friends who had won a pat on the back and happily jumped back to his chair, ready to wait for his his next race. I was so shocked and ever so proud. He did win one race that day but for me I am most proud of the way he beahaved that day. Corbu had fun and smiled all the way thorough, it made my heart swell and I grinned like the silly proud mum I was.
The Quoit Race
This is the race corbu came first in, and look no hands, a clear winner and no cheating!!
The Sack Race
At least he actually jumped in his sack. Last year he ran in it.
The Running Race
Corbu
Happy after a nice sports day. I can hardly believe he has finished Reception and will be on Year 1 in September. Where does the time go??
Sunday 5 July 2009
Cake Sale
During the May bank holiday weekend I had a stall at our local village street fair. It was filled with yummy cakes and I had spent most of the previous day chained to the kitchen sink and stove making them all but it was worth it.
I was raising money for Sands. The stillbirth and neo-natal death charity, a cause very close to my heart. Since I lost my little boy Bob they have been my life line and I am just glad to give a little back as they truly gave me hope and light in a very dark time. Through them I have met and made many wonderful friends, who continue to be a source of great support, love, friendship and who know how you feel without having to explain it all. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to just be able to cry and say your having a bad day, and a warm hug wraps round you with no more words need to be said.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank Cathy, the lovely lady in the pic with me, a friend, Chair of our local group Swindon Sands,for coming and helping me on the stall that day. Also to all the ladies who donated cakes for sale, a huge heartfelt thanks.
We raised over £140 that day. Which will help our local group to keep going, so that they can continue to provide support services to bereaved parents and work with the local hospital.
Only crumbs left, a succesful day. Thank you all. xx
I wish I had a time machine.....
I wish I had a time machine, not to go and visit some historic event, make a bet and win a fortune or meet a famous person.
I wish I had a time machine so I could go and visit my son. My beautiful boy, born sleeping on the 17th of December 2006. I would tell myself not to cry,” I want to go home’ as I gave birth to my precious little Bob. I would take my time bathing him. I would take more photo’s and not have most of my pics of him on a disposable birth pad. I would not send my son to the morgue after spending barley a few hours with him. I would keep him with me all night, hold him and remind myself to take it all in. This wil be it, these moment are all I will have for a lifetime. I would remember to allow family waiting at home, to come to hospital and meet my son. I would take prints of his hands and feet. I would snuggle him into a blanket, make sure he is warm and safe. I would remember to add more personal touches to his little white coffin. I would try to say more, as I stood up and did his little eulogy. I would stop and take my time as I said good bye. I would not pretend I was fine after the funeral. I would cry more. I would ask people, why they thought my precious little boy, only deserved three sympathy cards. I would…… I would do so many things.
I have no time machine. I can not change what has been done. I have to live with decisions that have been made.
No one speaks of him, this saddens me and at times I feel so alone.
I remember Bob everyday. I still miss my son very much. I love him everyday, forever and always.
I have no time machine but I remember…..
That is all I can do.
I wish I had a time machine so I could go and visit my son. My beautiful boy, born sleeping on the 17th of December 2006. I would tell myself not to cry,” I want to go home’ as I gave birth to my precious little Bob. I would take my time bathing him. I would take more photo’s and not have most of my pics of him on a disposable birth pad. I would not send my son to the morgue after spending barley a few hours with him. I would keep him with me all night, hold him and remind myself to take it all in. This wil be it, these moment are all I will have for a lifetime. I would remember to allow family waiting at home, to come to hospital and meet my son. I would take prints of his hands and feet. I would snuggle him into a blanket, make sure he is warm and safe. I would remember to add more personal touches to his little white coffin. I would try to say more, as I stood up and did his little eulogy. I would stop and take my time as I said good bye. I would not pretend I was fine after the funeral. I would cry more. I would ask people, why they thought my precious little boy, only deserved three sympathy cards. I would…… I would do so many things.
I have no time machine. I can not change what has been done. I have to live with decisions that have been made.
No one speaks of him, this saddens me and at times I feel so alone.
I remember Bob everyday. I still miss my son very much. I love him everyday, forever and always.
I have no time machine but I remember…..
That is all I can do.
Mothers Pride
I am going to take this moment to say, I am very proud of my son Corbu.
He is 4 years old and in his short life so far he has moved eight times. Had a mum who had post natal depression but wasn’t diagnosed and got the help she needed til he was one years old. Spent six months living apart from his father while mum tried to be of support while Grandpa fought cancer. Great Uncle passed away from kidney cancer. Great grandma passed away and his little brother Bob died, stillborn. Grief. Stress of later pregnancies but with the joy of now having a little sister and brother. Starting reception at school. Finally settling down in one place, putting down roots and finding out what normal family life is.
My son hates to loose but considering how much loss he has been through you can hardly blame him, can you? My son is sensitive (some might say over sensitive but his heart is on his sleeve because he knows what its like to have it broken) and I swell with pride as I see him treat others with kindness and genuine concern for others. He hates to see others in pain or sad.
He is by no means perfect. At times he drives me mad when he doesn’t listen or is cheeky. He can at times go through “I want” fazes but he is only a child.
I am very proud of my son and I am very proud of the person he is turning into.
I love you, my son, always xxx
He is 4 years old and in his short life so far he has moved eight times. Had a mum who had post natal depression but wasn’t diagnosed and got the help she needed til he was one years old. Spent six months living apart from his father while mum tried to be of support while Grandpa fought cancer. Great Uncle passed away from kidney cancer. Great grandma passed away and his little brother Bob died, stillborn. Grief. Stress of later pregnancies but with the joy of now having a little sister and brother. Starting reception at school. Finally settling down in one place, putting down roots and finding out what normal family life is.
My son hates to loose but considering how much loss he has been through you can hardly blame him, can you? My son is sensitive (some might say over sensitive but his heart is on his sleeve because he knows what its like to have it broken) and I swell with pride as I see him treat others with kindness and genuine concern for others. He hates to see others in pain or sad.
He is by no means perfect. At times he drives me mad when he doesn’t listen or is cheeky. He can at times go through “I want” fazes but he is only a child.
I am very proud of my son and I am very proud of the person he is turning into.
I love you, my son, always xxx
How do you solve a problem like....
My little girl Hannah is 17 months old, and is into everything. There is no place safe from her grasp.
We put things on the table out of her reach, she climbs onto a chair and onto the table, got it. Move the chair away, she will move a stool or push the stroller to the table, climb up, got it. I grant you she gets an A for effort and determination but I am running out of space. The high shelves and cupboards are full to bursting, I have to be able to leave some things out, don’t I??
At the moment it’s stuff we don’t mind getting broken or is safe to get at although slightly annoying. I look forward to the day when it will be safe again to leave things out in the open. The freedom of ornaments and pretty things but then again by then Humphrey will be toddling about.
How do you solve a problem like climbing , into everything children??
Wait till there teenagers., perhaps but by then I will be hiding different things!!
We put things on the table out of her reach, she climbs onto a chair and onto the table, got it. Move the chair away, she will move a stool or push the stroller to the table, climb up, got it. I grant you she gets an A for effort and determination but I am running out of space. The high shelves and cupboards are full to bursting, I have to be able to leave some things out, don’t I??
At the moment it’s stuff we don’t mind getting broken or is safe to get at although slightly annoying. I look forward to the day when it will be safe again to leave things out in the open. The freedom of ornaments and pretty things but then again by then Humphrey will be toddling about.
How do you solve a problem like climbing , into everything children??
Wait till there teenagers., perhaps but by then I will be hiding different things!!
Peter Cried Wolf
On Saturday my 4 year old was spectacularly sick in the car. I think it was something he ate that didn’t agree with his tummy or perhaps because he inhaled his food, didn’t chew and ate really fast.
He was not sick again during the weekend and spent Sunday on the sofa watching Grand Prix racing and having cake. Corbu even managed to help his sister eat hers, meaning he ate most of it!!
Monday morning arrives and it’s time for school.
Corbu sneaks into our room and says he needs to stay home as he has tummy ache. I know he was sick on Saturday but he has been fine since and I know that he has been downstairs since half six watching TV. I think he is pulling a fast one and just wants to stay home watch TV and get fussed over.
I would have sent him to school but Daddy says that he is a bit warm and to let him stay at home. So we do, we tell him poorly boys don’t just watch TV and if his tummy hurts he should rest and do quite things like read a book.
That is not how the day played out.
There has been running about upstairs, playing ball, playing pirate and cars, annoying his sister,bouncing on the bed. So if he is poorly, I’m a supermodel!!
Peter cried wolf or should I say Corbu cried wolf.
He is going to school tommorow!!
He was not sick again during the weekend and spent Sunday on the sofa watching Grand Prix racing and having cake. Corbu even managed to help his sister eat hers, meaning he ate most of it!!
Monday morning arrives and it’s time for school.
Corbu sneaks into our room and says he needs to stay home as he has tummy ache. I know he was sick on Saturday but he has been fine since and I know that he has been downstairs since half six watching TV. I think he is pulling a fast one and just wants to stay home watch TV and get fussed over.
I would have sent him to school but Daddy says that he is a bit warm and to let him stay at home. So we do, we tell him poorly boys don’t just watch TV and if his tummy hurts he should rest and do quite things like read a book.
That is not how the day played out.
There has been running about upstairs, playing ball, playing pirate and cars, annoying his sister,bouncing on the bed. So if he is poorly, I’m a supermodel!!
Peter cried wolf or should I say Corbu cried wolf.
He is going to school tommorow!!